i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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