I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
