fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
