Im at strip club and am horny
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Randomize
