Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
