I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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