At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
