He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
