then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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