I think I won the penis lottery.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
