Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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