I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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