im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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