Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
