I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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