Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
