The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Randomize
