My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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