If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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