apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
