I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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