seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
