i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
