I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
