i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
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I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
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I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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