i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
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