As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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