Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
