Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
