I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
