im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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