I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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