One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
