It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
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