I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
i've created a new STD.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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