Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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