I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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