quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
