I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
