i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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