I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
