dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
