I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I need water and some morals
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
