i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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