Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
