She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
