it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
