I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
