In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
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