I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
