so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
