Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
