You're my little dorito
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
