My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
