I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
love makes seman taste better
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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