Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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