Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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