I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
