Where is the hickey?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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