I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
