Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
