i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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