I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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